I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
