My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
