Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After tacos, we're chasing women.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
