Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
