Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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