my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
