Will you blow on my dice?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
