Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
