As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
