My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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