So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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