I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize