You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I need a beard to bite.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
