So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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