I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
