Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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