drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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