the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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