once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you will always have a special place in my vag
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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