i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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