i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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