if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
false alarm. still invincible.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
