she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
