the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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