im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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