Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize