My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
