I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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