Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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