Pants 0. Shit 1.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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