Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
