If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
