Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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