Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
