I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
