He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
