Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
