Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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