sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Shame - the story of my life.
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