i think my tv is drunk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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