I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
