I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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