we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
