dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
