the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
