Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
