Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
