i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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