I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize