She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
