I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
