apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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