My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
