Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
