My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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