Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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