Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
