i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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