Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
where are you?
Hypothermia
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
