I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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