I want to walk on stilts...naked
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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