tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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