Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
