ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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